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05 April 2007 @ 11:14 am
i think i like that word alot. Think because i'm kinda mixed on it. I know it came from reading dilbert and dogbert waving his little paw and saying 'bah' but i liked meh. so meh it was. i would say that in general meh is kinda the overwhelming place that i find my self in nine times out of ten. I think i hold myself in 'meh' if you will because it's easier than that screaming chick in the corner, or that spastic person bouncing around the room or the angry chick who has the misfortune of talking.
i think i force myself into meh most of the time. i force myself because it's a place that i need to be in order to function. as long as meh is my center i can spaz and return scream return... rinse repeat. i think i'm angry. it's weird because meh has locked down and i can't move from it, and that generally only happens when i feel something strongly in one direction or the other, but too much of it. so meh is like stasis. it's a puppet that i throw out and make shrug from across the room and most of the time the puppet's mouth moves and i have no clue what's coming out of it. kinda annoying actually, because people judge me on that puppet. they judge the puppet and then they get angry at me for having it, and i just kinda sit there going... meh. no really. meh. so when presented with a case of something and you look at it from either direction and the only response you can allow yourself to have is meh, then obviously you are doing something wrong and other people are right. lets hear it for 180's gotta love em, they make the world go round in a bizarre no one really cares sorta way. they don't. i've watched. i've done it many many many times. problem talk solution change and we do this little dance over and over with never a 'wow did you fix that? go you' nope it's always wow why haven't you fixed that yet, it bothers me. fix it, now.  and the answer? meh 180. meh. 180 meh 180.
yep just meh. because screaming is bad,because leaving is bad, because hitting is bad, because other people have feelings, so all of that pent up whatever is misdirected, and well you just can't vent that, it's petty, it's not fair. yeah i'd say i'm angry. alot angry actually. i've been angry for a while. and no one cares because i'm fine. i'm always fine, i'm always broken and everyone's used to it, so when i crack a little more no one can really tell the difference. meh. yeah. just meh. i suppose i cope normally, just louder than most people. i take what i have to do and do it, and worry about feeling later, worry about people later worry about consequences later... but not exactly. more like i know what has to be done and all that it will entail and effect and do it and god help you if you're in my way.   don't do this. don't do that. yeah fine, sorry i bothered you. stop that its more than i can handle, woops my bad, let me fix that, let me bleed a little so you'll love, accept, like pick a synonym here... it's the donna mad lib. quick just grab whatever words work and throw them at her, i'm sure she'll be able to make sense and do the right thing, and she won't complain, and she'll let you win and she'll give you all the possible out's and hiding places and defense mechanisms and coping techniques and anything else you could possibly want to make you more comfortable. and this thing here...
it's just a broken puppet.
Current Location: library
Current Mood: draineddrained
Current Music: printer humming next to me
06 March 2007 @ 10:56 am
You scored as Gangrel. You belong to the Gangrel bloodline. Gangrel are very in touch with nature and for this reason are often loners and hermits. They have a very keen sense of the beast inside them and can let it out with devastating results. They do, however, have a bit less control over their impulsive, animalistic nature and are easy to drive into an uncontrollable frenzy.
















What vampire clan do you belong to?
created with QuizFarm.com
Current Mood: boredbored
05 March 2007 @ 10:31 am
"I Can't Decide"

It's not easy having yourself a good time
Greasing up those bets and betters
Watching out they don't four-letter
Fuck and kiss you both at the same time
Smells-like something I've forgotten
Curled up died and now it's rotten

I'm not a gangster tonight
Don't want to be a bad guy
I'm just a loner baby
And now you're gotten in my way

I can't decide
Whether you should live or die
Oh, you'll probably go to heaven
Please don't hang your head and cry
No wonder why
My heart feels dead inside
It's cold and hard and petrified
Lock the doors and close the blinds
We're going for a ride

It's a bitch convincing people to like you
If I stop now call me a quitter
If lies were cats you'd be a litter
Pleasing everyone isn't like you
Dancing jigs until I'm crippled
Slug ten drinks I won't get pickled

I've got to hand it to you
You've played by all the same rules
It takes the truth to fool me
And now you've made me angry

I can't decide
Whether you should live or die
Oh, you'll probably go to heaven
Please don't hang your head and cry
No wonder why
My heart feels dead inside
It's cold and hard and petrified
Lock the doors and close the blinds
We're going for a ride

Oh I could throw you in the lake
Or feed you poisoned birthday cake
I wont deny I'm gonna miss you when you're gone
Oh I could bury you alive
But you might crawl out with a knife
And kill me when I'm sleeping
That's why

I can't decide
Whether you should live or die
Oh, you'll probably go to heaven
Please don't hang your head and cry
No wonder why
My heart feels dead inside
It's cold and hard and petrified
Lock the doors and close the blinds
We're going for a ride
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
22 February 2007 @ 07:36 am
so i'm up and moving at the ungodly hour of 6:30 and sitting san's coffee at 7:37 in the library on a squeaky keyboard and straining to see through the windows to just barely make out the bulk of a tree not 50 feet from the library. the fog is great. it's like you're always on an island no matter where you move. each building on the campus is it's own fortress, kinda frightening when you approach the science building, but cool none the less.  stuff to do, people to see, things to occupy my mind with, and i just kinda wanna sit in the fog and feel it swirl and lift.
yesterday at the bus stop i saw a man drive by and his tire came completely off the truck he was driving. just rolled off and traveled across the street, bounced once on the curb next to me and settled quietly. The truck drug itself to a halt and ejected a confused man who eventually retrieved the tire with the hub cap and all five nuts, and i just watched. people go through their lives, feeling and seeing and ignoring possessing and disowning, and i see it everyday, but mostly here on campus. I can be the silent uncommenting observer of it all and just watch. i can read my books or the person next to me in the lab. the information is the same, its just a matter of perception.  how diseperate are we from the rest of the world, really? how disconnected is each  breath from that of the person across the campus?
brain thinking the wrong way for a lab... i suppose more technical is needed...
Current Location: library swimming in soup
Current Music: Alias &Ehren Cobblestone Waltz
21 February 2007 @ 10:30 am

Conflict is the driving force on which mankind survives. Conflict is generally thought of as a disagreement between two people, and in fact it can be. However it is important to realize that there are many different types of disagreements and these inconsistencies aren't always brought to fruition by other people. The accepted literary forms of conflict are man against man, where one man is in direct disagreement with another man; man against self, where the inconsistencies lie within one person, there by inciting conflict; man against society, where societal norms are questioned by an individual; and man against deity, where a person is in direct conflict with a more powerful supernatural being. These conflicts laid out for the everyday amateur critic, one must now find a story and recognize a conflict to identify. Nathanial Hawthorne wrote Young Goodman Brown, with these desperate people in mind. In his tale which he parallels to Pilgrims Progress, the Christian classic by Paul Bunyan with an almost plageristic fanaticism, Nathanial Hawthorne manages to squeeze out nearly every form of conflict possible in just a few brief pages. His story begins with a Young Goodman Brown setting out into the woods for a walk. His wife Faith begs him to stay and he, like a good Puritan gently tells her he must go, and manages to accuse her of not trusting him. Hawthorne gently skirts the man against woman conflict, and with a spring to his step Young Goodman Brown is off and soon deep into the dark devilish woods. He happens upon a dark man, who is later named “the devil.”(Ref Story here) Young Goodman Brown's world slowly begins to dissolve in a sea of disillusionment with the people around him as he comes to grips with the humanity of those he had revered, the seeming futility of his faith, and his own weakness of character. All in all a fascinating tale with entirely too much conflict, but easy to pick out and discuss. As in most of Hawthorne's writings a good chunk of the actual story is allegorical. Hawthorne freely uses imagery to portray the struggle of a Puritan man trying to live an upright, godly life.

Man exists in society under certain understandings. Generally these understandings, ideas, are imposed upon an individual and they resist, and someone has a new top ten seller. In the case of Young Goodman Brown however, this is not so. Young Goodman Brown struggles to come to grips with fundamental ideas of his religion, and is forced to take a good look at his society, specifically at the people who make up this society. His meeting with the devil starts off with a nervous excuse on the part of Young Goodman Brown, “Faith kept me back a while.”(CITE) It is important to realize right off the bat that the author, Nathaniel Hawthorne is quite young in his writing career. He is excited with the ideas of allegory and has decided to throw every possible imagery switch into the mix. So while Young Goodman Brown in this quote is referring to his wife of three months, Faith; the author is most certainly preparing a dialog on the hapless man's inner workings of morality. Back in the woods, the devil is chiding the Goodman about his slow pace, “This is a dull pace for the beginning of a journey.” (CITE). Here you begin to see the reluctance of Goodman Brown about actually preforming this journey. The story is rife with images of coming age, the lost of innocence, the disillusionment commonly referred to as 'growing up.' The author recognizes reluctance to change on the part of the Goodman, but uses the devil as a necessary vehicle to that change, for what possible lie could one tell the devil? When Young Goodman Brown tries to hide behind his lineage, his moral and upright father and grandfather, the devil is more than happy to tell him what he knows. Young Goodman Brown's father burned villages to the ground, that his grandfather whipped a woman for nothing more than the fact that she didn't believe the same as him. As with all journey's of self, this one too must begin on a level playing field. Humility is not found looking down from a lofty seat. The Puritan doctrine is one of degradation and humiliation of self. In order to be pious one must have a true and deep seated understanding of one's shortcomings, of the evil that has been passed down from the sin of Adam and Eve. So the logical fallacy comes into play: if all men are evil, then one man is evil, and if one man is evil then these others which are held in positions of piety are obviously liars, because they too are evil. This is examined further in the chance meeting with Goody Cloyse on the road. Young Goodman Brown identifies her as “and exemplary dame, who taught him his catechism in youth, and was still his moral and spiritual advisor, jointly with the minister Deacon Gookin.” (CITE) Yet this exemplary woman greets the devil as an old friend, asks for his assistance in the woods, and eventually takes the devil's twisted staff for support. The person who would teach a catechism in a theocratic society such as the Puritans would be the equivalent to a the community grandmother. Now taking this new slant on his faith, Young Goodman Brown applies it to this old woman walking through the same dark woods, holding familiar company with the epitome of evil, there is only one possible outcome. Goody Cloyse too must be as evil and depraved as Young Goodman Brown. The next encounter is that of an overheard conversation between the minister and a deacon. At this point the conversation between the two men is superfluous. The pillars of Young Goodman Brown's community are just as evil as he knows himself to be. These pillars are responsible for the growth of the young, for the guidance of the old, and they are corrupt, they must be corrupt, for men are evil. In a theocracy where the divinity of heaven is contrasted with the baseness of man, there will always be a conflict. Young Goodman Brown stands between himself and a society built on the ideals of corrupt men, instituted by the same corrupt men, and is therefore ultimately doomed to end up a hopelessly corrupt society.

The next form of conflict to be examined is that of man against self. This conflict ties in nicely with the previous societal conflict for it was the collective individual beliefs of the Puritans that developed their society as a whole. In a theocracy of such extremes such as held by the Puritans, a certain duality must be adopted to cope. The struggle of Young Goodman Brown in the second half of the story, brings to light the apparent dichotomy of man. The focus of the depravity of man leaves very little room for the individual. In order to cope, one must adopt either a violent and unreasonable self hatred, or a face for everyday church use. In the communion of the human race, as described by Hawthorne, this concept is addressed. Here before Young Goodman Brown are the pillars of society, revealed to all as just men or women all flawed and impure.

Current Mood: peacefulpeaceful
14 February 2007 @ 09:32 am
so there's that moment. the boiling over point i suppose. the point where the water has been at a nice even simmer for a while and then that one degree of temperature difference tips the scales, energy is exchanged water vaporizes and poof, you have a serious boil threatening to escape the pan you started it in.
i'm not sure why i'm as upset as i am right now. i think it's alot of things. i don't know why i'm still so damn tired, but i think it's because i hit a limit and didn't realize it. oh well poor me, next ?
i almost hoped i got pulled over today, it's like i'm looking for a good reason to explode and i didn't realize it.
so to stupid psych and english teachers i don't get along with and students who stand too long in front of me at the coffee line...
Current Mood: angryangry
25 January 2007 @ 11:56 am
so yeah
i'm tired, alot tired. i'm not exactly sure why i'm so tired, because i went to bed at 8 and woke up at like 7 and i'm still just about to keel over and pas out. i've spent a good chunk of the morning in one class, and i skipped my afternoon class because i had no really good way to i dunno deal with morons. i asked for a ride at 2 but i'm thinking i'll just buss it home and take a nap. meh
i've gotta remember how to study and ten actually stop studying when i sleep, it's too exhausting
like that ^_^
15 January 2007 @ 10:24 am

A long word for pretty. I have to figure out how to work that into a conversation...
so i thought long and hard about it and i find it highly amusing that saying a word repetitively will only make the word sound like gibberish to you, which is odd, like the brain got bored and nipped out for a quick bite leaving your mouth to do the tedious work of talking since you obviously aren't going to be using it for anything. And then it comes back listens to you and says 'wtf? what is that word? does it really have meaning? stop already!' So gibberish is your brain being bored, and since some crazy people speak gibberish, crazy people must be bored... no that doesn't work, but it amused me to go that route ^_^
ho hum, up in the morning
Current Location: uh, cold and here
Current Mood: boredbored
Current Music: cat's in my drawer
11 January 2007 @ 09:09 am
so i'm not as inventive as misty, but i thought i'd give it a try.
not that persay, just messing around with cool links, because i suppose on any level something is made up of lots of smaller things,
and why should my waking up be any different really?
tee hee
09 January 2007 @ 09:10 am
so first day of school for everyone else, and i'm already up with jitters for me...heh. i've got an annotated schedule, i've got all my book stuff laid out so i can get isbn's on them, i got a kitchen full of dirty dishes i said i'd wash last night, i have a floor full of dirty clothes that need the same attention. i've got my second cup of coffee and cold fingers and a cat sniffing my heel. it' starting again, that thing i know as life, i think the bump was back there, and i've been laying in the grass waiting to be able to get my breath back. and so i'm up drinking coffee making lists, plans, anticipating and dreading. i think i'm excited, i know i'm scared shitless. i've still got another week to make it all work.
can't wait ^_^
Current Mood: awakeawake