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05 April 2007 @ 11:14 am
whistling in the dark  
meh-
i think i like that word alot. Think because i'm kinda mixed on it. I know it came from reading dilbert and dogbert waving his little paw and saying 'bah' but i liked meh. so meh it was. i would say that in general meh is kinda the overwhelming place that i find my self in nine times out of ten. I think i hold myself in 'meh' if you will because it's easier than that screaming chick in the corner, or that spastic person bouncing around the room or the angry chick who has the misfortune of talking.
i think i force myself into meh most of the time. i force myself because it's a place that i need to be in order to function. as long as meh is my center i can spaz and return scream return... rinse repeat. i think i'm angry. it's weird because meh has locked down and i can't move from it, and that generally only happens when i feel something strongly in one direction or the other, but too much of it. so meh is like stasis. it's a puppet that i throw out and make shrug from across the room and most of the time the puppet's mouth moves and i have no clue what's coming out of it. kinda annoying actually, because people judge me on that puppet. they judge the puppet and then they get angry at me for having it, and i just kinda sit there going... meh. no really. meh. so when presented with a case of something and you look at it from either direction and the only response you can allow yourself to have is meh, then obviously you are doing something wrong and other people are right. lets hear it for 180's gotta love em, they make the world go round in a bizarre no one really cares sorta way. they don't. i've watched. i've done it many many many times. problem talk solution change and we do this little dance over and over with never a 'wow did you fix that? go you' nope it's always wow why haven't you fixed that yet, it bothers me. fix it, now.  and the answer? meh 180. meh. 180 meh 180.
yep just meh. because screaming is bad,because leaving is bad, because hitting is bad, because other people have feelings, so all of that pent up whatever is misdirected, and well you just can't vent that, it's petty, it's not fair. yeah i'd say i'm angry. alot angry actually. i've been angry for a while. and no one cares because i'm fine. i'm always fine, i'm always broken and everyone's used to it, so when i crack a little more no one can really tell the difference. meh. yeah. just meh. i suppose i cope normally, just louder than most people. i take what i have to do and do it, and worry about feeling later, worry about people later worry about consequences later... but not exactly. more like i know what has to be done and all that it will entail and effect and do it and god help you if you're in my way.   don't do this. don't do that. yeah fine, sorry i bothered you. stop that its more than i can handle, woops my bad, let me fix that, let me bleed a little so you'll love, accept, like pick a synonym here... it's the donna mad lib. quick just grab whatever words work and throw them at her, i'm sure she'll be able to make sense and do the right thing, and she won't complain, and she'll let you win and she'll give you all the possible out's and hiding places and defense mechanisms and coping techniques and anything else you could possibly want to make you more comfortable. and this thing here...
it's just a broken puppet.
 
 
Current Location: library
Current Mood: draineddrained
Current Music: printer humming next to me